I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My life in a nutshell