FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My whole life was a lie.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these