Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Realize this:
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.