Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
We’ve all been there…
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Lmao
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.