Cannot stop laughing at this
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does