“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
i made a craigslist ad !
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.