“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.