The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
No chill.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.