Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
You Might Also Like
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago