I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO