ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Tell the colonel to bring it
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?