She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Mission: Impossible
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*updates tinder bio*
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*