Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You Might Also Like
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”