[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
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[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.