So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”