Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.