Smile they said.
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
s
oc
i
a
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
October already? What’s next? November????
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
When I can’t barge, I careen.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.