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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I came this close!!!!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.