This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Meow
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.