Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men