here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
latin students necrophiliacs
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enjoying a dead tongue
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.