What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
o shit
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.