Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
This is so me 😂😂
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.