grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You Might Also Like
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?