I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.