40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.