If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk