Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles