doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *