Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Worth remembering.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?