Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“i am a sweet baby”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
the simulation is moving too fast
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Can Happiness buy money?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.