MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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every house is a dream house when you can鈥檛 afford one
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 馃槅馃槄馃檳
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she鈥檇 write a song where she spells restaurant.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn鈥檛 expect him to do this by age 6.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that鈥檚 beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.