The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Boating season is upon us.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.