Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion