Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake