I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
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Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he鈥檚 repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can鈥檛 be too careful.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can鈥檛 be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i鈥檓 dying
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you鈥檙e working on or things that make you look busy.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don鈥檛 want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It鈥檚 worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
馃槅馃槅馃槅
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American鈥檛 and I鈥檓 officially applying to move to Mars now
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it鈥檚 weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Underwear isn鈥檛 protecting you from your pants. It鈥檚 protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he鈥檚 tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can鈥檛 leave the party early and go home.