Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You Might Also Like
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
584.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.