My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
You Might Also Like
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
why no one uses midhusbands
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Sending in my taxes
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.