“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
War & Peace
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.