I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Sheep
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.