“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog