girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”