*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird