8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.