I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship