Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
All my small talk is done with a car horn.