SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night