She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Usage Guidelines
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.