Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Only a mother’s love …
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”