what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.